The Cover Letter
by Suzanne Palmer
(all rights reserved)
Dear Editor,
Enclosed please find my story, "Werewolf Death Match Mega-Fight!!!", for your consideration. I know 37,802 words is a bit over your guidelines' "firm" maximum of 4k, but I think once you've read my gripping and transformative work you'll immediately recognize that each and every word is necessary to convey the depth of my artistic vision. Here at last is a chance for you to take your magazine in a more reader-conscious direction than the gloomy, feeble, artsy stuff you seem to be stuck with from your authors so far, and which, to be honest, no one likes.
Although Werewolves may be, in the eyes of some, a clichéd and overused genre trope, I have stepped outside those confining boundaries by making my cast of evil man-doggies a diverse multicultural cast, which I have emphasized by using different fonts to represent the shift from one character to the next to avoid confusion. For example, I have set the gay werewolf's thoughts as pink comic-sans. For others I have phonically transliterated the characters' unique speech patterns that reflect both their diversity and status within their pack. In places where I have multiple characters experiencing the same moment in time simultaneously, I have interlaced lines from each, one by one, with opposing margin justification so that the reader can get the sense of immediacy inherent in life-and-death gladiatorial furred combat. At the same time, I maintain a high standard of literary expressionism:
RageKlaw's frantic yips tore across the fragile, throbbing tissues of her heart like uncut spaniel claws skidding across old sticky linoleum, and fat lycan tears raced down her bloodied muzzle to splish, unseen, onto the wicked killing floor.
I have put special effort into the werewolf songs that set off each battle scene, and have included a cassette tape of me singing them, and a URL where your readers can download the MP3s for a small fee. I am especially proud of the lament You Chewed My Ears Off, You Chewed Them Off Now I Must Die. I have uploaded a video of me performing this piece dressed in a wolf suit to Youtube -- please see link at the bottom of the page. I was operating on a limited budget and had to make my costume out of scraps from a taxidermist and the local highway department, but with full and prompt payment, I would be willing to construct a proper wolf-suit and re-record the piece, perhaps in front of a waterfall or still lake at night to emphasize the disparity between the intense fury of combat and the inner peace that comes at the very last moments before death. We can talk about desirable location shoots in our future correspondence.
You should suggest to your readers, when you publish the piece, timed readings where at specific interludes they follow links to hear my music, view a recreation of the combat, or, during the last, poignant moments between RageKlaw! and MoonSyngyr, read about the intricacies of werewolf lovemaking, with animated diagrams and links to an Etsy shop of related sanitary, personal-use artifacts designed by me to help the avid reader fully submerse themselves into the story.
Since surely you will wish this to be the feature piece of your next issue, I have also enclosed cover art to help expedite its publication. In my excitement I accidentally misspelled my own name, but your crack team of photoshoppists should be able to correct this with little difficulty -- the font is 72-pt Goudy Stout. I am also busy at work on the first of several projected thrilling sequels and will be sending you draft versions as I work on them so that you can be fully prepared in advance for the amazing, life-altering depths of my vision.
I have always been deeply fond of the New Yorker and expect we will have great success together. Looking forward to "marking" my first contract with you,
Howwwwwwly yours,
--[Author Name Redacted]
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